destination: arrival

9 years. no church.

(well, that's slightly inaccurate.)

9 years of occasional church searching.

trying to find that right fit.

and thick anxiety.

anxiety that hits you like a flood,

the moment you park the car,

and step towards the church. any church.

and after the flood hits, 

the skin begins to tingle and crawl,

like thousands of cockroaches 

using your bones as a racetrack.

and then everything else is a blur.

the problem is, 

even though i make it into the building,

i've ultimately left myself in the parking lot.

parking lots don't judge you.

parking lots don't condemn you.

the sad thing is, i'd rather risk 

getting hit by a car in a lot,

than being destroyed in a sanctuary. 

...

i didn't want to go.

plain and simple.

but i went.

i went for her and the kids. 

there was a christmas eve candle service.

and don't get me wrong:

i love candles;

but i'm terrified of 

the people that hold them.

same story:

thick anxiety. barely made it in the door.

and then... i did.

the music started.

christmas carols. very fitting.

and then the candles:

a room set ablaze by flames of hope.

after all, christmas doesn't exist

without the light. 

and then we sang the line:

"the weary world rejoices".

and there was calm.

and the anxiety was gone. 

and i gazed around the room.

and everything was so

familiar.

like home.

i was home.

9 years earlier, 

we left.

we didn't pack our bags.

we didn't give 2 weeks notice.

we just slowly slipped

and faded away.

why is it when you stop searching 

for your heart's desires,

when your guard is truly down,

and you aren't expecting a damn thing,

that's when they find you?

i guess it doesn't really matter.

i'm home now.

and there's a lot of catching up to do. 

(mis)leading

at any premarital counselling done through the church,
there will come a point in time in which,
-as per scripture- (eph 5; 1cor 11)
the man is mandated to become
the spiritual leader in his home.

it's a heavy instruction.
and is preloaded with so many implications.

if i sin, does it therefore make my wife a sinner?
if i doubt my faith, does it make her doubt too?
and if i simply cannot find the strength to be the leader
that she needs me to be,
have i not only let her down,
but god as well?

for whatever reason,
there is no husbandry 101 class to fill you in on these details.
somehow, it's assumed that- as a spiritual leader-
you'll just know.
maybe our shortcomings and lack of imparted wisdom
point to a bigger problem:
we don't know how to be real with one another;
we lack a language for our failed attempts.
we don't know how to create supportive connections.
perhaps we don't know how to let god
effectively lead us,
so that we may lead others.

maybe to become better leaders,
we must give a better shot at following.
because we owe it to ourselves, to one another, to god,
and maybe most importantly,
to her.

a conversation from this morning

*disclaimer: some suggestive content*

"i'll tell you what it is that
i don't like about christians.

first off, you have to understand that
i am not, nor ever will be a christian,
but my husband is. and so is my son-
so i try to go to church every so often,
to support them.
but i'll never believe it.

what i can't understand is how
the church that we attend,
so willingly forks over wads of cash
to send a youth pastor,
and a bunch of high school kids-
who really don't have a clue about what they're doing-
to california for 2 weeks,
on an all-expenses-paid 'mission trip' to go help the needy,
and then stop routinely at disneyland
and six flags- all on the church's dime.
think of all of the local people-
single moms and homeless bums in our community-
that could really use that money.
but the church has made it pretty clear that they have a higher emphasis on sending kids to amusement parks, than to help those who
suffer around you.
it just teaches our kids to be selfish,
and no one in the church seems to
give a damn.

or, let me tell you about the time
that my son graduated from a christian high school:
to celebrate graduation
and god's goodness in their lives,
they rented a barn to have a party.
it was chaperoned- the parents played
scrabble downstairs, while their innocent christian children
got piss drunk and snorted cocaine
off the barn floor.
and how did they celebrate god's goodness?-
by lining up their holy boyfriends
along the rusty perimeter of the barn, and by having a blow job competition.
i think that really attested
to god's holiness,
don't you?
and when the parents found out,
they took care of the situation
by opting out to pray
for their troubled teens,
rather than having a conversation
with them about decency,
and what sexual purity is about.
and when i challenged another mom- who was in the basement while her daughter was upstairs,
winning that competition,
her only defense was that
she did pray for her daughter,
and that's all the bible
required her to do.

and now, my son's youth pastor
is brainwashing him!
he is suggesting that he sell his car,
guitar, and laptop to pay
for some ridiculous
christian schooling overseas.
and i don't even really mind him going,
i just want him to get a job first to afford the semester abroad-
and his youth pastor is telling him that
he needs to stand up for his faith
and to defy his parents, because this is
god's plan for his life.
and that jesus wants him to cut off
all ties to anything that hinders him.
i'd like to think that i support my son-
but his church is brainwashing him
to think that i am an enemy of his faith.

and that's why i despise christians."

and i swiftly nodded to her reply
of the question that i never asked.

joining you

by alanis morissette

dear darlin',
your mom- my friend-
left a message on my machine
she was frantic,
saying you were talking crazy
that you wanted to do
away with yourself
i guess she thought i'd be
a perfect resort
because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth
and yes they're in shock,
they are panicked
you and your chronic
them and their drama
you this embarrassment
us in the middle of this delusion

if we were our bodies,
if we were our futures,
if we were our defenses,
i'd be joining you
if we were our culture,
if we were our leaders,
if we were our denials,
i'd be joining you

i remember vividly a day, years ago, we were camping
you knew more than
you thought you should know
you said, "i don't ever want
to be brainwashed"
and you were mind boggling,
you were intense,
you were uncomfortable
in your own skin,
you were thirsty,
but most you were beautiful

if we were our name tags,
if we were our rejections,
if we were our outcomes,
i'd be joining you
if we were our indignities,
if we were our successes,
if we were our emotions,
i'd be joining you

you and i, we're like 4 year olds,
we want to know 'why' and
'how come' about everything
we want to reveal ourselves at will
and speak our minds
and never talk small and be intuitive
and question mightily and find god,
my tortured beacon
we need to find
like-minded companions

if we were their condemnations,
if we were their projections,
if we were our paranoias
i'd be joining you
if we were our incomes
if we were our obsessions
if we were our afflictions
i'd be joining you

we need reflection,
we need a really good memory
feel free to call me a little more often

the privacy act (or why altar calls don't work in the twenty-first century)

i hate the guilt.
i also hate the 900 pairs of eyes
scanning the room, wondering:
"is he going to go up there?"
and if i do, will they
think the worst of me?

they'll whisper amongst themselves-
and turn my sin into a guessing game:
likely to assume that it has something
to do with porn-
married guys that go up alone always
have some sort of porn issue,
whereas married couples that go up
together usually just had a fight-
but they'd be wrong on all counts.

the altar doesn't work in the
twenty-first century,
because i have a hard enough time
sending you an email about it,
let alone telling you over the phone,
let alone telling you over coffee,
let alone confessing it to 900 pairs
of glaring eyes-
all because i text too much,
and there just isn't an emoticon
to express how i'm really feeling.

something that the little mermaid taught me.

maybe it's because i have a
two year old daughter at home-
or maybe i'm just using that as an excuse
for my own personal thrill of it-
but the past year has reintroduced me
to the wonderful world of all things disney.
it's an odd feeling to watch these movies again-
movies that i grew up with,
now sharing with my own child.

it's a satisfying experience,
and yet eerie in the sense
that it only feels like just yesterday,
that i was 6 years old, watching
beauty and the beast for the first time.
apparently time does fly.

it's also strange to watch these movies again,
as an adult, having lived a bit of life,
and i'm amazed at the themes and undertones
of these movies, that i could only
extract as an adult.

here's a line from the little mermaid,
which has always struck me,
but i've been a bit more occupied with lately:

"i just don't see how a world
that makes such wonderful things
could be bad"

when i was growing up, my bible picture book
(and nearly anything i can think of that i can
associate the word christian with)
outlined that this world that god created,
is filled with sin.

now, they say that this sin is mankind's own doing,
but there is so much emphasis on that sin part,
that i think we miss out on a very important truth:
that god did create the world, and it is beautiful.

think of how being cultured with the knowledge
of sin being present and active in the world
like a rampant virus, just waiting to exploit us all,
taints our worldview.

maybe it makes us more skeptical of each other.
maybe it causes barriers between races.
maybe it causes us to dwell on being fallen,
and truly does separate us from
any chance of redemption.

to be told that you're a fallen creation,
for some, that's a truth that could quite
literally destroy your self worth and true potential.
it's a dangerous thing really, and yet,
we hurl it at each other like we're all
on the playing field of spiritual dodge ball.

what if we looked at it from a different angle-
and started from the actual beginning itself,
that god created something beautiful,
and we- people quite literally created in his image-
also hold the amazing potential to do beautiful things.
how would that change who we are?
how would that empower us to be life-givers,
rather than destroyers.

and don't even get me started on the implications
this has for how we should treat the planet in general
(that'll be a different rant for a different day).

i look at how we're expecting a second child
in a few months, and do i really want to think
that we're giving birth to a person who's entering
a fallen world- of sin, destruction, despair.
if i start from that vantage point,
how can i be an effective father at all?-
let alone, a father who seeks to exemplify
the positive characteristics of god?

maybe we need to change our vantage point.
if we start from love, creation, and beautiful things,
how can we help from living a life to the full?

refreshing

"second fig"
by edna st. vincent millay

safe upon the solid rock
the ugly houses stand:

come see my shining palace
built upon the sand!