"no"

when i was 12,
i had my first encounter with
a youth group, or any sort of organized
church function for teenagers.

to be perfectly honest, i didn't go
for any sort of spiritual reasons,
nor did i have any thriving interest to
learn about god-
it was merely something to do on
a thursday evening.

and all of my friends attended
as well- which is, in its own right,
reason enough for any twelve year old
to do anything, really.

i remember this one thursday-
we were all seated in the loft of the church,
huddled behind some overhead projector,
singing worship songs-
the problem was, i was near sighted, and
couldn't read any of the lyrics on the projector,
as i didn't like wearing my glasses due to the fact
that i looked like a nerd when i wore them.
so, i moved my mouth to the lyrics, and occasionally
closed my eyes while i fake-sang the songs, to seem
as though i was praying or something.

after the singing concluded, we all slunked
onto dirty old couches- some sat on the floor,
while some trying-to-be-super-hip leader
(who sported a bandana and wavy shoulder-
length hair), proceeded to tell us all about god
and how awesome he is.

being a too-cool-for-school preteen
i didn't really have much regard for what this
man had to say.
i was simply there to be social.

during the talk, the speaker asked a
poignant question:
"do any of you ever wonder what
it'd be like to meet god in person?"
i'm not sure why-
it still baffles me that i would do such
a thing- but i obnoxiously snorted,
and blurted: "nope!"

an uproar of laughter bellowed
from my peers.
and the speaker with the red and black
bandanna, glared at me with disdain,
and continued on with his talk about
how cool god was- despite my unruly
interruption.

in that moment, i felt as though
god was glaring at me, through
that man's eyes.
i felt as though he was staring into
the very core of my ashamed soul,
and stared at me, the way only a father
can look at a son, when in the overthrows
of sheer disappointment.

for much of my life, i have been
disappointed with god.
i've felt as though he's let me down,
and hasn't been there when i needed
him the most.
sometimes i wonder- if he keeps
some sort of a spiritual score card.
and i wonder if all of my mess stems
from some obnoxious thing i did
when i was twelve.

they say that god doesn't hold grudges,
the way that we do.
i don't think that's true.
i mean- we must have learned our grudge-
holding abilities from somewhere.

maybe that's what sin is.
and why grace is so important.
maybe sin is knowing that i deserve
to carry a heavy heart full of guilt.
maybe grace means that i don't have to.