a conversation from this morning

*disclaimer: some suggestive content*

"i'll tell you what it is that
i don't like about christians.

first off, you have to understand that
i am not, nor ever will be a christian,
but my husband is. and so is my son-
so i try to go to church every so often,
to support them.
but i'll never believe it.

what i can't understand is how
the church that we attend,
so willingly forks over wads of cash
to send a youth pastor,
and a bunch of high school kids-
who really don't have a clue about what they're doing-
to california for 2 weeks,
on an all-expenses-paid 'mission trip' to go help the needy,
and then stop routinely at disneyland
and six flags- all on the church's dime.
think of all of the local people-
single moms and homeless bums in our community-
that could really use that money.
but the church has made it pretty clear that they have a higher emphasis on sending kids to amusement parks, than to help those who
suffer around you.
it just teaches our kids to be selfish,
and no one in the church seems to
give a damn.

or, let me tell you about the time
that my son graduated from a christian high school:
to celebrate graduation
and god's goodness in their lives,
they rented a barn to have a party.
it was chaperoned- the parents played
scrabble downstairs, while their innocent christian children
got piss drunk and snorted cocaine
off the barn floor.
and how did they celebrate god's goodness?-
by lining up their holy boyfriends
along the rusty perimeter of the barn, and by having a blow job competition.
i think that really attested
to god's holiness,
don't you?
and when the parents found out,
they took care of the situation
by opting out to pray
for their troubled teens,
rather than having a conversation
with them about decency,
and what sexual purity is about.
and when i challenged another mom- who was in the basement while her daughter was upstairs,
winning that competition,
her only defense was that
she did pray for her daughter,
and that's all the bible
required her to do.

and now, my son's youth pastor
is brainwashing him!
he is suggesting that he sell his car,
guitar, and laptop to pay
for some ridiculous
christian schooling overseas.
and i don't even really mind him going,
i just want him to get a job first to afford the semester abroad-
and his youth pastor is telling him that
he needs to stand up for his faith
and to defy his parents, because this is
god's plan for his life.
and that jesus wants him to cut off
all ties to anything that hinders him.
i'd like to think that i support my son-
but his church is brainwashing him
to think that i am an enemy of his faith.

and that's why i despise christians."

and i swiftly nodded to her reply
of the question that i never asked.

joining you

by alanis morissette

dear darlin',
your mom- my friend-
left a message on my machine
she was frantic,
saying you were talking crazy
that you wanted to do
away with yourself
i guess she thought i'd be
a perfect resort
because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth
and yes they're in shock,
they are panicked
you and your chronic
them and their drama
you this embarrassment
us in the middle of this delusion

if we were our bodies,
if we were our futures,
if we were our defenses,
i'd be joining you
if we were our culture,
if we were our leaders,
if we were our denials,
i'd be joining you

i remember vividly a day, years ago, we were camping
you knew more than
you thought you should know
you said, "i don't ever want
to be brainwashed"
and you were mind boggling,
you were intense,
you were uncomfortable
in your own skin,
you were thirsty,
but most you were beautiful

if we were our name tags,
if we were our rejections,
if we were our outcomes,
i'd be joining you
if we were our indignities,
if we were our successes,
if we were our emotions,
i'd be joining you

you and i, we're like 4 year olds,
we want to know 'why' and
'how come' about everything
we want to reveal ourselves at will
and speak our minds
and never talk small and be intuitive
and question mightily and find god,
my tortured beacon
we need to find
like-minded companions

if we were their condemnations,
if we were their projections,
if we were our paranoias
i'd be joining you
if we were our incomes
if we were our obsessions
if we were our afflictions
i'd be joining you

we need reflection,
we need a really good memory
feel free to call me a little more often

the privacy act (or why altar calls don't work in the twenty-first century)

i hate the guilt.
i also hate the 900 pairs of eyes
scanning the room, wondering:
"is he going to go up there?"
and if i do, will they
think the worst of me?

they'll whisper amongst themselves-
and turn my sin into a guessing game:
likely to assume that it has something
to do with porn-
married guys that go up alone always
have some sort of porn issue,
whereas married couples that go up
together usually just had a fight-
but they'd be wrong on all counts.

the altar doesn't work in the
twenty-first century,
because i have a hard enough time
sending you an email about it,
let alone telling you over the phone,
let alone telling you over coffee,
let alone confessing it to 900 pairs
of glaring eyes-
all because i text too much,
and there just isn't an emoticon
to express how i'm really feeling.

something that the little mermaid taught me.

maybe it's because i have a
two year old daughter at home-
or maybe i'm just using that as an excuse
for my own personal thrill of it-
but the past year has reintroduced me
to the wonderful world of all things disney.
it's an odd feeling to watch these movies again-
movies that i grew up with,
now sharing with my own child.

it's a satisfying experience,
and yet eerie in the sense
that it only feels like just yesterday,
that i was 6 years old, watching
beauty and the beast for the first time.
apparently time does fly.

it's also strange to watch these movies again,
as an adult, having lived a bit of life,
and i'm amazed at the themes and undertones
of these movies, that i could only
extract as an adult.

here's a line from the little mermaid,
which has always struck me,
but i've been a bit more occupied with lately:

"i just don't see how a world
that makes such wonderful things
could be bad"

when i was growing up, my bible picture book
(and nearly anything i can think of that i can
associate the word christian with)
outlined that this world that god created,
is filled with sin.

now, they say that this sin is mankind's own doing,
but there is so much emphasis on that sin part,
that i think we miss out on a very important truth:
that god did create the world, and it is beautiful.

think of how being cultured with the knowledge
of sin being present and active in the world
like a rampant virus, just waiting to exploit us all,
taints our worldview.

maybe it makes us more skeptical of each other.
maybe it causes barriers between races.
maybe it causes us to dwell on being fallen,
and truly does separate us from
any chance of redemption.

to be told that you're a fallen creation,
for some, that's a truth that could quite
literally destroy your self worth and true potential.
it's a dangerous thing really, and yet,
we hurl it at each other like we're all
on the playing field of spiritual dodge ball.

what if we looked at it from a different angle-
and started from the actual beginning itself,
that god created something beautiful,
and we- people quite literally created in his image-
also hold the amazing potential to do beautiful things.
how would that change who we are?
how would that empower us to be life-givers,
rather than destroyers.

and don't even get me started on the implications
this has for how we should treat the planet in general
(that'll be a different rant for a different day).

i look at how we're expecting a second child
in a few months, and do i really want to think
that we're giving birth to a person who's entering
a fallen world- of sin, destruction, despair.
if i start from that vantage point,
how can i be an effective father at all?-
let alone, a father who seeks to exemplify
the positive characteristics of god?

maybe we need to change our vantage point.
if we start from love, creation, and beautiful things,
how can we help from living a life to the full?

refreshing

"second fig"
by edna st. vincent millay

safe upon the solid rock
the ugly houses stand:

come see my shining palace
built upon the sand!

H - E - double hockey sticks

may 2009

"ok, i'm having an issue," i casually remarked.

"hmm?" he inquisitively grunted.
he was reading some news article.
his eyes never left the page.


"well, i'm trying to prep for
this week's sunday school class,
and my topic sort of touches
on the issue of hell."

"and...what's your issue?"

"well... i just don't get it.
to subscribe to the belief of an
all-loving god that sends
people to hell... it seems like
a massive contradiction.

and, how can i possible prepare
a lesson on a subject that i'm
not even sure that i believe in.
how can i push a theory onto
young minds, that
i'm personally struggling with?"

"just do it anyway," he muttered.
"it's biblical, so don't question it."

"but, what if we're wrong?
what if we're interpreting the whole
message wrong and are missing the point?"

"just do it!"
his fist slammed on the desk
and made his stapler jump
a couple of inches.

"good god, stephen- you have to let
go of all of these foolish questions!
the bible is black and white-
there's no gray areas-
and there's no room for your despicable doubt.
jesus spoke it, and we follow his teachings.
end of discussion.
there especially isn't any room in our religion
for people like you who doubt our lord.

you're either in, or you're out.
you can either teach the lesson on hell,
from a traditional biblical standpoint,
or leave now, and don't ever
bother showing your face in this church again."

-----------------------------------------

this is a true story of a real encounter
that i had with a pastor
approximately four years ago.

and this conversation caused me to do
some serious soul searching about the topic.
i haven't really come up with an answer.
but, what if hell is just a metaphor,
and we're missing the point,
and are missing out on something great?

what if hell weren't an issue?
we'd probably love each other so much more.
what if we're horribly wrong about hell,
and god will judge us based on
our grotesque misinterpretation?

transitioning young adults

as someone who has previously been
employed by the church,
one of the most common questions/ issues
that arises within leadership groups is:
"how can we transition and keep
young adults in the church after they
graduate from high school?"

and after much thought and speculation,
i've arrived at a grand conclusion:
you can't.
at least, not the majority of them, anyway.

i believe that north american culture
truly lacks any sort of formal ritual
that passes a young man or woman
on from child to adult.
whereas other civilizations will host transitional
feasts, ceremonies,- even a time of self discovery
through a forested area in the wilderness-
something in which the young wo/man can emerge
and pronounce themselves to be an adult.

north american culture has to cling tightly
onto the few transitional periods it has-
namely, the one in which a young person
can leave the homestead, pursue
post-secondary education, or some backpacking
excursion on a different continent,
just to break away from the family culture
and learned traditions,
and to return as an adult.

i can see how the church itself is quite
concerned over the issue.
there is a profound generation gap
in most churches.
i see it whenever i, myself, attend.
i can count the twenty-somethings on one hand
(and most of them have already made their
personal transitions, and have gotten married,
or something).

but with that generation lacking attendance,
there is a possibility that the church itself
could implode from lack of funding, or
even from a lack of diversity in age and culture.
which wouldn't be the worst thing,
i'm just saying.

maybe the original question
("how can we transition and keep
young adults in the church after they
graduate from high school?"),
itself is faulty, and the wrong question to ask.
perhaps we shouldn't be so concerned with
what sort of infrastructures and programs
are in place to keep young adults connected.

instead, the church in general, needs to
literally become preoccupied with
the individual, their life, and spiritual walk,
and the question needs to shift to:
"what can i do for you?"

one + one + one = one?

in the bible,
a supposed trinity is hinted at,
but in no verse-
and please correct me if i'm mistaken-
is an actual trinity presented
or mentioned.
and at the very least,
the word trinity just doesn't
seem to show up.

it certainly has complicated things,
especially for those new to the faith.
and in truth, i'd wager that there are
many folks that have been believers
for their entire lives, who don't
grasp the concept themselves,
but would never admit it.

i'll be honest- this has been a major
stumbling point for me with
christianity. it's freaking confusing
to think of god as one, but with three
characters that comprise one god-
all co-dependent on one another,
but all collectively resembling one god.
huh?

so, let me get this straight:
god= father + jesus + holy spirit.
but the three are not separate from one
another, they are all one god.

...........

in the midst of the confusion, there's
always a handful of well-meaning
people in the church who assure that
"it's okay if i don't understand it now-
but that i will someday, when i get to heaven."
but, that's not good enough for me.
if this is, in fact, the way that god is
and has presented himself to humanity,
shouldn't this be a basic and simple
principle to grasp- and one that would
follow some sort of easy to follow logic?

i wonder, how many of us out there
actually believe this principle,
or are afraid of questioning it, because to
question would be seen as doubting-
and doubting would mean your faith is lacking-
and that simply is unacceptable.

trinity. the "godhead, three in one".
in the midst of transcribing the great
theology that is the bible, one of the
apostles really missed out on an
opportunity to make this one a
little more clear.

on being a christian atheist

christian atheism.
it's a term that i've come in
contact with twice this week.

first off, there's this guy-
craig groeschel- who defends the
principle that there are many people
in his life- including himself-
that legitimately believe in god-
but then live their lives
like he doesn't exist.

it's a pretty powerful viewpoint.
especially when you are surrounded
by an entire world that has been deeply
scarred by the term "christian", and
are watching so-called christians
set up these gigantic expectations on
how to live, and seldom pursue
these expectations and rules themselves.

secondly, good ole' wikipedia tells me
that christian atheism is a belief structure,
in which "the god of christianity is
rejected or absent, but the moral
teachings of jesus are followed".
essentially, the god that christians
have set up is dead and non-existent,
but jesus' radical teachings can
and should change our lives.

by this definition, a christian atheist
would be one to remove the "fairy tale"
elements of the christian faith, and to seek
out the raw and authentic teachings that
can affect our own livelihood.
this does away with religion itself,
and places significant ownership
on humans alone to be the dictators
of their own destiny.

upon speculation on both variations
of the term, i'm immediately struck by
the comfort of some to put the word
"christian" so close to the word "atheist".
the two seem so opposed, and yet,
maybe that's missing the point all together.
both the traditional christian and the atheist
are individuals with viewpoints, experiences,
and challenges.

and maybe we need the considered
"opposition" to be close, so that we may
gain a better understanding of each other,
of ourselves, and ultimately- of god.

a god by any other name

i find it interesting that so many other faith structures
quite literally name or label their deities
with a clear, defined name.
the greeks have their zeus.
the muslims have their allah.
the jews have their yahweh.
and the god of the christian faith is just that:
god.
one simple term and name.
vague. and preloaded with meaning.

and yet, that simple term- god-
has so many other names or terms that are
used synonymously in the bible.
firstly, there's the whole father term-
a complex in itself.
and then there's adonai,
which loosely translates to mean majesty.
in the old testament, there's elohim,
which quite literally means "strong one".
el olam is essentially the "everlasting god".
not one of these names holds more
weight or significance than the other-
they're merely different views and
experiences of god's nature.

i wonder if,
lacking a clear, single, and defined name,
opens god up to be,
whoever we most need him to be
in that particular moment.

"no"

when i was 12,
i had my first encounter with
a youth group, or any sort of organized
church function for teenagers.

to be perfectly honest, i didn't go
for any sort of spiritual reasons,
nor did i have any thriving interest to
learn about god-
it was merely something to do on
a thursday evening.

and all of my friends attended
as well- which is, in its own right,
reason enough for any twelve year old
to do anything, really.

i remember this one thursday-
we were all seated in the loft of the church,
huddled behind some overhead projector,
singing worship songs-
the problem was, i was near sighted, and
couldn't read any of the lyrics on the projector,
as i didn't like wearing my glasses due to the fact
that i looked like a nerd when i wore them.
so, i moved my mouth to the lyrics, and occasionally
closed my eyes while i fake-sang the songs, to seem
as though i was praying or something.

after the singing concluded, we all slunked
onto dirty old couches- some sat on the floor,
while some trying-to-be-super-hip leader
(who sported a bandana and wavy shoulder-
length hair), proceeded to tell us all about god
and how awesome he is.

being a too-cool-for-school preteen
i didn't really have much regard for what this
man had to say.
i was simply there to be social.

during the talk, the speaker asked a
poignant question:
"do any of you ever wonder what
it'd be like to meet god in person?"
i'm not sure why-
it still baffles me that i would do such
a thing- but i obnoxiously snorted,
and blurted: "nope!"

an uproar of laughter bellowed
from my peers.
and the speaker with the red and black
bandanna, glared at me with disdain,
and continued on with his talk about
how cool god was- despite my unruly
interruption.

in that moment, i felt as though
god was glaring at me, through
that man's eyes.
i felt as though he was staring into
the very core of my ashamed soul,
and stared at me, the way only a father
can look at a son, when in the overthrows
of sheer disappointment.

for much of my life, i have been
disappointed with god.
i've felt as though he's let me down,
and hasn't been there when i needed
him the most.
sometimes i wonder- if he keeps
some sort of a spiritual score card.
and i wonder if all of my mess stems
from some obnoxious thing i did
when i was twelve.

they say that god doesn't hold grudges,
the way that we do.
i don't think that's true.
i mean- we must have learned our grudge-
holding abilities from somewhere.

maybe that's what sin is.
and why grace is so important.
maybe sin is knowing that i deserve
to carry a heavy heart full of guilt.
maybe grace means that i don't have to.

contagion

i've seen his face.
and it's crippled with eczema
and grown-up freckles.
and his curly red hair
should have been a sign.

and he's the reason why
my own hair is thinning,
and doesn't fill out 
the way it used to.

he's the big brother type
that attacked me with a
piping hot latte in one hand,
and a machete in the other.

his name?-
the devil, of course.
and there's a variation of him
in every language.

the devil even baptized me-
which leads me to wonder-
did it actually count for something?
or was it a null event altogether?
maybe i should find some holy water
and be baptized all over again.

i've looked into his eyes and seen
a gaping hollowness staring right
back at me. the whole thing was like
a pizza party in the crux of the exorcist.

the thing is, i don't like to talk about him
very often. none of us really do.
it just seems so impossible to escape
his pasty clutch-
especially when he's always seated
two pews behind you.

father

of all of the crappy metaphors in the world,
why did god choose the most prominent one
to reveal his loving nature to us,
as a loving father.

father god is stern, yet caring.
wise, and understanding.
strong, and steadfast.

unfortunately, the perception
of who our own fathers are,
ultimately shape our own views
of father god.

there are absent fathers;
religious fundamental-freak fathers;
abusive fathers;
fathers that live vicariously through our lives
by pushing us to do sports and other activities.

when i think of today's modern father,
images of homer simpson and
peter griffin immediately come to mind:
an overweight, balding, negligent,
unintelligent man that simply pays the bills,
lacks social interaction with his family,
and prefers the company of a local pub.

and in spite of these horrifically real stereotypes,
god has chosen to be labelled as a father.
as a father myself, i would never
want my attitude and actions
to throw off my children's perspective
of who god is.

i suppose the best way to go about is,
is to determine which characteristics
that god exudes that we admire,
and seek to live in light of those actions,
and allow them to guide our every step.

perhaps ours could be the generation
to lay this god-father-complex to rest,
and allow our children to understand
god as father, as he initially intended.

one of a kind

"i was raised up believing
i was somehow unique-
like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes,
unique in each way you can see.

and now after some thinking,
i'd say i'd rather be
a functioning cog in some great machinery
serving something beyond me"

-fleet foxes, "helplessness blues"

man, i can remember watching episode
upon episode of sesame street as a toddler,
being fed messages by the program
that i was a special, unique person,
essentially making me the center of my
own personal universe.

maybe we've bred an entirely selfish
generation, simply by telling everyone
how "unique" and "special" they are.

maybe we've missed the point,
and left out the most important part:
our specialties and unique attributes
are necessary and so needed
to contribute to greater society
and the world itself, so that we,
as a collective group
can make a true difference,
and be shapers of what's to come.
no one can do it on their own.

i'm daily convinced- more and more-
that we need each other.

i've got a feeling

is a worship song,
truly considered to be a worship song,
if it, in any way, acknowledges
or verbalizes our wants and needs,
rather than to strictly affirm god's
attributes and goodness?

classic example:
"hungry, i come to you
for i know you satisfy.
i am empty but i know
your love does not run dry"

songs like this one don't merely
focus on god alone and his glorious
reign as creator and sustainer of all things.
rather, it becomes an emotional mess
of the innermost things that we desire.
and, can that be considered true worship?

if you'd asked me this question,
when i originally started struggling
with it- about a week ago-
my answer would be: no-
worship music should solely
be restricted to god and sung for god.

but, now i think i'm starting to change
my tune (no pun intended).
our emotions and yearnings map where
we have been on our journeys, and
hopefully will direct where it is
that we're going.

i remember telling kids in youth group,
that the song i most connected to
with god during the previous week
was "monster hospital" by metric.
and the lyric that most struck me was:
"i fought the war, but the war won't
stop for the love of god",
as i felt it referred to my daily spiritual
walk, which felt like a war with no end
in sight, but i still felt like god was
walking with me every step of the way-
despite the seemingly endless chaos.

our feelings can so often get the best of us.
but, we so clearly need them- especially if
we hope to have any sort of a fulfilled life at all.
where we, as humans in general, suck
is at wearing our hearts on our sleeves.
if we all did, just a bit more often,
we might not feel so alone in this mess of life.

the spiritual high

in the summer of 2004,
a group of friends and i went on
a two week excursion to central los angeles,
to perform missions and outreach work.
every morning, we awoke to daily devotions.
we spent the majority of the day reaching out
to the children in the gang-infested community.
and filled the evening with extended times of worship.

somehow,
whilst on the trip, faith seemed a little more real.
it was a little easier to share my beliefs.
it was a little more practical to do devotions.
it was a little more freeing to worship,
and to share the inner secrets of my soul.

we closed off the trip with a time of
group communion, in which we tore off hunks
of calabrese, gave it to one another, and dipped
the shared bread into paper cups of
fizzy mexican cream soda,
as a sacrament of eternal friendship
and ultimate common/union.

on the flight back, i journaled
about the intense spiritual invincibility
that surged through my veins.
i was determined to convert everyone
i knew, and to authentically help
others grow in their faith.

and, it didn't really happen.
in fact, about two weeks after arriving
back home in the real world,
i began to doubt everything that i had
seen and had experienced on that trip,
and chalked it up to simple,
emotional fantasy.

i'm not alone in this experience.
maybe yours happened at a summer camp,
or maybe on a weekend retreat,
but many youth that are involved in the church,
do, at some point, have a monumental experience,
in which they experience god in a new way-
which is typically characterized by a flood
of overwhelming emotions and good times.

they label this period as a "spiritual high".

looking back, i wouldn't characterize my
experiences as being false or untrue.
it was a milestone in becoming who i am.

the problem is, we, as humans,
cannot live on the mountaintop forever-
and the few that do, make extreme sacrifices
to stay up there.
eventually, we have to climb down from the
mountain, and there really are only two approaches
for coming down:
you either do so cautiously, step by step;
or you plummet, and are battered and bruised
on the way down.

and that, for far too many, is the experience.
people live wounded and feel mistreated,
because not only is the mountain-top-high
a tangible reality, but they only realized this
truth while they were crash landing down
a jagged mountainside.

how can we learn to seek out those highs in our lives,
and then move from transitioning down from
that high, and learn to internalize those
spiritual high moments and experiences,
and allow it to shape our lives,
in practical ways?

something to process

here's a term to digest:

process theology.

and what the crap does it mean?:
essentially, it outlines a thought system,
in which god does not know the outcome
of our future. and it relies on you and i
to creatively collaborate in our lives
to ensure that the future- for everyone-
lives up to its fullest potential.
the universe and all in it, live through
processes of change, as we're all agents
of free will.
to boil it down:
god still has a will for everything,
but not everything that occurs will be in god's will.
this allows god to be changable,
but certain fundamental charateristics (ex, love)
will never change.

why i like it:

i'm never a big fan of blaming god
for the bad things that happen in life.
(even though i probably do it more than
anyone else i know).
knowing that "god is in control"
certainly can be reassuring in the right context.
but i hate to think of god as being in control
of hate crimes, rape, and merciless death.
i prefer to think of god of mourning these events,
rather than to cause them.
and all this bad stuff is often washed away
by some out-of-touch-with-reality individual
reminding us that god is simply shaping us,
and that he ultimately has a plan
and better outcome for our lives,
and that the bad stuff will help us to get there.
yuck.


why i'm a little apprehensive:

i'm not sure how much i want to own up
to the fate of the universe being on my shoulders.
but, maybe that's unavoidable regardless.
as much as it makes me sick to hear
about people singing for jesus to take the wheel
and to guide every step of their lives,
i take certain comfort in believing that somehow,
somewhere, there's a bigger deity that knows
the outcome of my life, and is,
hopefully, directing me in a better path.

bottom line:
maybe this is an opportunity for humility,
and while i will unlikely stumble upon
a solid answer for it, maybe the wonder
and awe of even being able to ask the
question is satisfaction enough.

faith consumerism

if there's anything that makes my soul vomit,
it's people- especially christians- informing
other people- typically christians, as well-
that the reason why they are enduring such
troubles is because they simply
aren't praying the right prayers.
or are lacking the right kind of faith.

how can any of us ever have
the right kind of faith?
how can i tell when i have enough?
will i have enough faith when all troubles
are fleeting away from me?
will i finally be praying the right prayers
when all i experience is divine joy
and no other emotions?

what exactly is the right amount of faith,
and how will i know it's enough?
can you please prepackage it for me,
and put it in a little pill format-
so i can ensure that
i always take the right amount?

i would hate to not have enough.
or the right kind.

(please excuse me,
while my soul wretches.
blech.)

keys.

summer of 2003.

i don't really understand the concept of purses-
especially over-sized ones.
true, they house make-up, a wallet, hair accessories,
kleenex, an old movie stub or two, other feminine
accessories, and a set of keys.
and yet, when a female cannot seem to find her
rimmel #07 cherry lip gloss, she's shocked.
how hard can it really be to find a 5" tube of lip gloss,
amidst a sea of accessories?
pretty difficult.

that's one thing i appreciate about being a guy:
you only get one shot in a day to make
yourself presentable. and if you didn't
fringe your hair with the precise amount of gel
in the morning, you've blown it.
there will be no mid-day freshening up.
by unwritten law, all a male needs for his day
should fit within the confines of a single, leather wallet.
males are the ultimate minimalists.

when i was a teenager, all my wallet retained was:
a quarter for the bus,
a driver's licence,
and the key to the front door of my house.
and that key lived snugly in the cash pocket of
my worn leather wallet. admittedly, it's an odd place
to store a key- but, i could never justify carrying
around a key ring (or a dorky lanyard) for a single key.

on a sunday afternoon in may, my parents were
out of town for a weekend, and i invited a friend
to stay over to keep me company.
his name was max (not really, but i always wish i had
a friend named max... so, apparently, i live
vicariously through the retelling of my own stories.
weird).

after church, max's mom dropped us off at my house
and then hurried off to some women's church potluck.
we advanced the porch of my house, and as we did,
i pulled out my leather wallet to retrieve
the house key from the cash pocket.
and...it wasn't there.

"odd" i thought, as i rummaged through the rest of
the wallet, and then through my pockets,
in frantic search for the key. we even retraced
our steps from the driveway...
nothing.

my parents weren't going to be home for days.
the thought of this isolation caused a thin bead
of sweat to trickle down my neck.
you know that feeling of how when life isn't ideal,
you immediately assume the worst cause
scenario is going to happen?-this was one
of those shining moments.
i pictured myself having to camp outside
of the house for days, living off of berries,
and leaves, and would eventually die
of malnutrition. which seemed like a pretty
legitimate possibility at the time.

frantic, i grabbed the door knob and twisted
with great force, praying that it would simply
unlock and i'd awake from this teenage
nightmare. no such luck.

as most raving lunatics would do in this
situation, i began to try and open every
single door and window on the house-
searching for a crack or an unlocked
opening. and that's when i really started to
panic. i began to dissect my wallet and
ripped out some of the fabric lining.

max piped up: "hey, maybe we should
stop and pray and ask god to help us out.
the bible says that if we ask, we'll receive"
i stared at him with no response.
i didn't think that people actually believed
that statement.
in fact, i kind of felt sorry for him
and his naivety.

"max, i don't really think that god cares
whether or not we have a key right now.
i don't think that this is a good example of
what that verse is trying to teach".
i replied condescendingly.

"but, if we ask, we'll receive. god is
always listening to us."
the poor guy was hopeless. how could
innocence like his ever survive in the real world?

"do you mind if i take your wallet
and pray that god helps us out?" he asked.

"...uh... yeah, sure, go for it" i replied.
simply bewildered.
and off he went, to find a shady spot to
pray that this key would magically appear.

i surveyed the house once more,
and noticed that my bedroom window was
cracked open half an inch or so.
it's amazing how fast stress can evolve
into joy. i grabbed a garden rake
and pryed it into the window,
steadily opening it further.
i could barely squeeze into the opening.
and when i did, i landed on top of my desk,
which then toppled onto me.
disoriented, i ran to the front door,
unlocked it, and glowed with
an enormous ego and pride.

"max!" i hollered. "guess what! i've got
great news!"

"me too!" he shouted back. he remained
seated, clasping my wallet with both hands.
confused, i asked, "what's your news?"

he unfolded the wallet, and the metal
house key slid into his palm.
"isn't it great!?" he exclaimed.
"see! ask and you will receive!"

there were no words in that moment.
sometimes i seriously wonder if
irony is god's first language.

since that day, i have tried to explain the
whole event away.
i want to believe that the key was
misplaced in some hidden compartment.
i want to believe that this was a cruel joke
being played on me. but, it wasn't.
there was no christian version of ashton kutcher
to jump out and tell me that i was punk'd.
i want to believe that in my frantic state,
i simply couldn't find it.
but i ripped that wallet apart- literally.
i emptied it to a vacant state, and felt with
my own hands- no key was present.

all that i can conclude is this:
when max took it away to pray, there was
no key. and when we was done praying,
there was a key. and somewhere
amidst the translation of prayer, a key
ended up in that wallet.

in the scheme of life, it was a minuscule
miracle. but for me, it actually was a big deal.
maybe god does care about those details-
those small things that seem so mundane
and routine. maybe those little details
are personal love letters, personally
addressed to all of us- just waiting to be
opened, read, and cherished.

becoming atheist

today feels like a good day to pursue atheism.
a quick wikipedia search yields that atheism is:
the rejection of the belief
in the existence of deities.
and while i certainly cannot deny the existence
of a creator/ sustainer/ father,
i do reject much of what i have learned of him,
and even more so of the ideologies that
just don't seem to fit in with his biblical characteristics.

when i stop and think of god,
i picture myself as a child, laying in a grassy field,
staring up at the clouds in the sky.
and that sky seems so limitless,
and yet, i can manage to make out some shapes
hidden in the clouds.

there are certain things of god's character
that will always remain a mystery.
but the more i discover, the more i'm in awe,
and the more i'm frustrated.

at some point, the finite and infinite intersect-
which, is a miracle in itself-
but the two can never fully embrace,
lest one fully becomes the other.
it's why jesus lived in mystery-
he seldom actually answered a question
that was asked of him,
but rather, posed a brand new question.

some people think that when we die,
we'll inherit new bodies- along with shiny
white robes- and we'll all smile with big,
toothy grins (i'm clearly flashing back to
my toddler bible picture book)-
and these new bodies will be capable of
knowing and understanding god,
and we'll let go of all earthy limitations.

but i don't think that'll really happen.
rather, i think we'll spend eternity,
learning about his character and relationship,
as, it will take an eternity to barely scratch
the surface of who he is.

saved?

i'm still trying this whole church-thing out.
it's been a few years since the
bad things happened,
and it's been restorative in some ways
to try and go back.

in light of everything, i find myself to be
a bit more critical, perhaps, of
the information being fed to me,
and am feeling a certain freedom to
challenge the words that are 
fleeting from behind the pulpit.
this week, a speaker challenged everyone
in the room to specifically ask someone-
a peer, a coworker, a friend, a family member-
if they had a personal relationship with
jesus christ- and to use that question as a
springboard into further discussion.

he went on to use an analogy that
ultimately depicted a man
trying to save a neighbor from a burning building,
which, i assume, would allude to christians
attempting to save non-christians
from hellfire and the like.

i've heard it tossed out so casually
and frequently over the years:
are you saved?
and it seems to be the grand ethos
of the christian faith:
to get everyone saved.

my question is:
what exactly are we trying to save everyone from?
hell/ damnation/ satan/ etc?

is that really what this life is all about?-
to serve as a primer for the next?
am i living every day to simply prep
for the rest of eternity?
sounds mundane- and like a waste of a life.

am i really attempting to live, the best possible
version of this life i can, to assure that the life i live
in the next will be the optimum choice?
kind of sounds like a watered down version
of reincarnation, doesn't it?

and once you're "saved", are you saved forever?
can it really boil down to you being
either "in" or "out"?
i refuse to think of myself as being saved.
rather, i hope that today, and everyday,
that my salvation will be a work in progress,
as, lord knows, i certainly need it.
may he always in the practice of saving me.

the way i see it is, that we only need to be "saved" from
two things:
ourselves, and
from living a lifeless life.

it's a man's world

being a male is something that
i have been born into, and therefore,
have been conditioned to live the male life.
i've never considered myself to be a man's man,
and wouldn't consider my testosterone levels
to be the highest,
but it is my gender nonetheless,
and learning to be a man above reproach
has been a journey in itself.
having been a male for twenty six years,
i have difficulty imagining life from a
female perspective.
and i especially can't imagine
what it'd be like to be a woman, and to
encounter the bible for the first time.

i'm not sure what emotions would arise
as i flipped through pages of references
to brothers and fathers, with no trace
of sisters and mothers in sight.
i can't imagine the initial shock of realizing
that my gender would be saved through child birth,
or that we would not be permitted to speak
in a church setting.
i could see how women flock to all those
crazy goddess movements and lilith fairs,
just for a mild slice of belonging.

i've often said that context is everything,
and christianity in itself, is a religion that was
birthed in a highly masculine and patriarchal society.
and yet, i can't help but wonder:
how differently would we see and understand god and jesus,
if we even had just a single book of the bible,
written from the perspective of a woman?

what aspects of god's caring and nurturing
attributes would be highlighted in such a text?
perhaps it would help us to view god,
not only as an upright father figure,
but also as a mother,
through his/her affection and devotion.

and maybe we'll let go of those
gender stereotypes along the way.
maybe we could stop being bound by
the restrictions of gender in general,
and allow who we are to define
ourselves and how we interact with our creator.

lyrical

"he will take you-
if you run,
he will chase you.

he will take you-
if you run,
he will chase you
because he is the lord."

-sufjan stevens, seven swans

i'm glad that he's still chasing-
even when i'm running
2000 kilometers
in the wrong direction.

unknown

it was a typical sunday,
and we followed the routine format:
we poured into the sanctuary
upon conclusion of our various bible classes.

the band started up with gusto,
and the vibrations of the bass
hummed through the rough hewn pews.

two songs in, and everything 
was going exactly to plan.
the ushers were preparing to take
a collection, just as the song concluded.
typical. typical. typical.
and then, she entered.

she entered from stage left,
and casually picked up a microphone.
her appearance was slightly mundane,
and certainly not memorable, to say the least.

"hello", she greeted.

all eyes were on her.
and then on each other.
some thought this was the beginning of a skit,
or an impromptu presentation.
others thought she had stepped up
with a word of prophecy-
and maybe she did.

"for an entire year,
i've been attending this church.
every week, i hang out in the rafters.
i sway to the same music as you.
i share in the same message.
i pass you in the foyer.
i smile at all of you.
we even call ourselves a church family.

and for an entire year,
not a single one of you
have introduced yourselves,
nor have any of you
learned my name."

silence penetraded the sanctuary
with heavy notes of guilt
and awkwardness.

several women-
"female bouncers", if you will-
approached from alongside her,
and began to console her.
they offer to connect her
into a small group.
they introduce themselves.
they do anything within their power
to get her off that stage,
and get things back to typical.

she refuses their offering.
instead, she points a finger,
hovers it in the direction of an entire
congregation, and utters that same sin:

"for an entire year,
not a single one of you
have gotten to know my name.

not a one."

silence.

"you call yourselves christians,
but you have never shown christ to me.
but, how could you,
when you have no clue who i am?"

and with a final sneer,
she hands over the microphone,
and is dragged off stage,
sobbing like a troubled child.
"they never bothered to learn my name"...
she whimpers.
and disappeared into the unknown.

i wish i could tell you her name.
trouble is,
i just can't seem to remember it.

oh-emm-gee

"you shall not take the name
of the lord, your god,
in vain,

for the lord will not hold him
guiltless who takes his name
in vain."
-exodus 20:7

apparently this is a pretty big sin 
to commit. 

i'm just trying to figure out
if it'll make god angry,
the next time i think something is ridiculous,
and reply with "oh my god".

i remember the first time i said it.
i did it on a dare, in the third grade.
man, i felt like a rebel that day.
and sure enough, a whole slew
of other naughty words closely followed.
to say "oh my god" was the gateway drug
for my pottymouth.

what about the next time i text an "omg"?
will that phrase be written in my
book of life and reiterated back to me
on judgment day.

or, maybe we're missing the point.

maybe god isn't offended at all.
maybe he looks down on our
messed up lives and situations,
throws his arms up in the air,
and declares, "oh my me!"

swansong

oddly enough,
the most substantial thing
that i witnessed on television
(or, rather, streamed online a day after
the show aired), this week
involved a group of lunchtime comrades
called "the god squad"
that met to constructively show god's love
to their peers.

i'm not sure how god would feel
to know that he has a squad.

in this case, the group collectively determined
that they could offer to sell song-a-grams
from one valentine to another,
to raise money for a fundraiser-
and to spread christian awareness-
two birds, one stone, right?

the god squad was poised with a decision:
one lesbian schoolmate wanted to deliver
a song-a-gram to her girlfriend.

what a dilemma!

well, what would jesus do?
the jesus that i've seen would typically
call her out on her sin,
tell her that she was going to hell,
cut off all further comminication,
and ostracize her from all future events.

the jesus that i've read about
would pick up a microphone,
and serenade her with the sweetest song
that she's ever heard.

why can't i seem to find more of that
jesus around me?

*referring to the valentine's day special of glee

paradox

when a bad thing happens to us,
is it in our best interest
to rehash the situation
until healing falls upon us?

or,

should we instead,
seek to walk away,
never looking back,
and heal in the growth
of our progressive steps forward?

god is said to be the great healer,
but, he also to be considered the author of all things:
life and disaster.

does god rip us apart
like raggedy little dolls,
just to sew us back together again?-
all for the sake of what, exactly?
to learn/ grow/ love/ be stretched?

to what gain is this giving
and taking away,
and giving all over again?

not being cynical.
just wondering.
that's all.

misleadings

maybe you were in a similar spot
that i was in a few weeks ago.
someone, somewhere in a church
that i was attending,
decided to share a little prayer.
and in that prayer of innocence,
he quoted, almost with a sense of reassurance,
that "where two or three are gathered in my name,
there am i among them".

a bit of certainty overwhelms us
when we weave that promise into a prayer.
or bible study. or whatever.
it causes us  to realize that because two or more
of us have gathered in unison,
that god must be present among us-
because he said so.
didn't he?

but this statement is preceded by several others
that really has nothing to do with prayer,
or communally gathered bliss-
at least, not in the way we'd like it to.
in fact, it's a closing statement- a definitive exhortation-
that when we are confronting another about their sin,
that god is there among us.

essentially, this text is a set of basic instructions
on how to go about removing a sinful member
from the congregation.

and this little phrase somehow seems like a good idea
to quote when least applicable.

i can't help but wonder how many other phrases-
little shreds of promised hope-
that we blindly take out of context,
are out there?

how much of faith is dependent upon
and strategically structured around
randomly selected out-of-context phrases
that define what we label "christianity"?

someone once told me that if
what you believe is strong, true, and authentic,
that, when questioned and torn apart with doubt,
it will still remain.

i want a faith that let's me ask those deep questions-
and maybe i'll gain some answers.
or maybe i'll just have to learn to dwell
in the sweet silence of uncertainty,
all for the satisfaction of having asked the question
in the first place.

*all scripture content from matthew 18

re(construct)

why un:yoke?
i like to think of this space
as a place to undo and to unlearn
everything that has previously shaped
my faith and understanding of god.

i hate to start this thing off with a quote,
but it holds so much validity that
i simply cannot help myself:

"my wife, kristen, and i often talk about
raising our kids in such a way that they
have as little as possible to
unlearn later on in life."
-rob bell, love wins

i'm tired of subscribing to the beliefs
of a religion based on tradition alone.
i want to know it, understand it,
live it, and feel it-
all for myself.

authenticity is birthed when we strip
away the layers of who we pretend to be.
i want an authentic faith,
and the freedom to dwell in the questioning.

to unyoke, is to separate from the herd.
i want to start this thing all over again.
hit that reset button.
like becoming a christian for the first time,
and to figure out what that loaded statement
even means.

i'm not sure where this is headed.
but in that uncertainty, i can find solace
and can feel okay in being wherever

i
need
to
be.